A negro is tired

I'm sure you have heard what I am about to say a thousand times(in some form or fashion). These are trying times that we are living in. Its true. I haven't been this worried and poor since I graduated "art school." Honestly, I have been doing a lot of self reflection(I do it everyday). The life of a (dark-skinned, strong blood lined) black man is just frustrating. No I am not about to go into a rant about the white man owing me some serious payout. Even though, he does but thats a check we ain't never gonna collect on.

Over years I have been on some great interviews for big companies. Having a strange name and good portfolio got me in the doors. My interviews go well and they compliment my work but alas, no call back. The only callbacks I ever get are for customer service/sales positions(and I hate that sh!t). Don't get me wrong , work is work. When you have been working toward something, you want more than that. I honestly see how so many black men fall by the wayside into the cracks. If you're not in with right ONES(thats how Oprah got in and she played them so well) in numerous industries, you might as well look elsewhere.

This is me voicing my frustration just to let it out. I am a hard worker but I don't coon well at all. My look and spirit won't let me. So I have to figure out how to make my fortune elsewhere. I know that it will be within the arts somehow. Its all I know how to do. I've always known that black men have it hard but I didn't want to let the thoughts hinder me. The thoughts didn't hinder but my reality has. I've wasted almost 3 years of my life "designing" packages for a bootleg company in Bushwick(only place to hire me for graphic design) and I have nothing to show for it except my hatred for it(add 2 years slavin' at the Coffee Plantation-Starbucks). A negro is tired. Honestly I feel like cutting everyone off and just start over. I think I might go on a hiatus from people for little bit just to clear my head and get my affairs in order.

Tired of Self-hatin' Black Folks

I know its been a minute. I have no excuses(ha! like anybody reads this mess,nanyway!) This past weekend I went to the Annual Afropunk Festival. It was alright. The strongest performers were Tamar-kali(of course) and the London Souls(that drummer had the crazy falsetto going on). I was so praying that J*Davey would show up last minute(I would love them both down, fo' real). There were so many beautiful black people out there. My friend was like,"Where are all these good-looking black people any other time? I haven't seen any of these people before in my life?" Its true. There were a lot of fine people out there and the most beautiful of them were with something that checks the NOT BLACK box of a census. Ex: There was this man with locks and he was stunning. On his arm was an asian woman with a face that hit bricks. And there were so many half-white babies running around that I was kind of freaked out inside.

Now back to my normal rant...Some of the performers would put this public service announcement at the beginning of their performances and it goes like this: "You know...you should be free to be yourself, you know, and love who you want to love, y'know and date who want to date." Now if you know like I know, that ain't nothin but a sorry excuse for datin' white or asian exclusively. That goes for gay, straight, etc... I'm tired of that mess. If you don't like your black skin and other black people, be up front with yo' stuff. Don't look ashamed when you look another black person in the face, be proud of what you are pumpin and dumpin in/on. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against interracial dating and all. I know its hard in NYC. When it becomes and epidemic like it is in Fort Greene, there is some self love that has been lost.

I have a several "friends" that have their issues with dark skinned black people(and whats funny is that most of them are not light-skinned). One who kept trying to crack a joke that I looked like a slave. Yes, I had to check that one and put them in that place. Another one recently, put on her facebook, that " lightskinned men never go out of style." To top that off, she might be in the closet. I'll be honest about it. It does hurt me. With that kind of mentality, I know they look down on me. That is what angers me...And no, I'm not crying and bleaching my skin. I'm very solid in my blackness. Trust that. I just distance myself from them.

If most of you haven't noticed, things aren't any better for us. I know Obama is in office and all but this is still a very white world. To get things done, he has to please them first. Come on now lets be real. We are at the bottom every statistic for a reason. You better love yourself, your black skin and your black soul before all other things because THEY don't. They only love our creativity and gifts we put forth in the world and twist it like THEY came up with it.

I am well into my twenties and I have yet to have some soul stirring black love. Is it still out there or has it become a thing of the past...a myth?

Later People

P.S. The Afropunk festival flyer had Malcom X with white skin...conspiracy..I think not.

Can I talk about it for a minute #1

When you see that title, you know I have to talk about some things. Today I just want to say that I am tired of living with THEM FOLK. When you live with some THEM that have artistic backgrounds, they have issues with cleanliness. My issues is hair, dirt, unidentified debris and pieces of soap all in the tub. I know its probably a cultural thing because most of them probably had non-whyte maids.

My roommate obviously had a maid because he lack the common sense to rinse the tub out. He sheds like an alpaca, wooly mammoth, yeti(whatever sounds like it has a ton of hair) everywhere, leave pieces of soap in the toilet. Yall tell how does a penny get in a tub? I think he showers with his clothes. I keep my interaction with him limited because something is not right about him. Even when I was at Pratt, them folk were not clean. When you live with black people, keepin the bathroom clean is common sense. At least now I know that I can't live with them or west indians. My last roommate was this older, closeted Jamaican man. We almost had it out several times. Its about time that I had a meeting with him. Unless a cheap studio apartment magically appears, then I would be out this b!tc# in a second. I tired of living with people.

*Update about the extra mexican in the house: So I ended up getting locked out and the extra one was home to let me in out of the rain. You know how this goes. I owed him one so I couldn't rat him out yet. The situation resolved itself, however, he's been a gone a few weeks now.

Later people

Its time to get it together

Everyone has dreams and goals. Sometimes we run into stumbling blocks. They may be financial or emotional setbacks. .....maybe both. I am at an age now where I gotten to know myself very well. I know what my hopes and dreams are but don't want to talk about them with the people around me. Then they assume that we all may have the same goals.

My whole entry into the arts as a profession was a whim. It was all I thought I was good at and was my only way of getting out of GA. Growing up drawing pictures was something I did for others approval. Don't get my wrong, I love what I do. My first talent(my music) I kept to myself for years. I thought I couldn't do it because I was too fat, black etc...all the things I was told growing about myself. Now here I am an adult, fighting of those negative comments. It feel like a war going on in my body. I have pressure headaches and phantom tightness in throat..... I know... It is not pretty at all.

I just wish I could reach in and take all those negative comments out of me. I want to go forward to pursue my goals without anyone/anything on my back telling me what I should be doing.

Later people.

Invasion In My House

...It took a while to figure out.

So I live in a place that has a capacity for 5 people, which is fine because we hardly ever see one another. However, one is a Mexican(i love their food!). I think he has a deal with the landlord because he is the go to handy person. Thats all well and fine also. Now here is my problem. He is always in the kitchen cookin and had the refrigerator taken up with a whole bunch of empty tomato sauce cans, empty barbeque sauce bottle, random heads of lettuce, tomatoes, whole grocery store, etc. He use to have all these random people over here on the weekends. Now he is harboring one of his homeboys. Every time I come home they are in the living room until late guarding the television or up close to one another somewhere doing "house work" or "landscaping" that beat up backyard. That mess ain't nothing but busy work to make it look like they are really doing something. Honestly I think they're f#ck!in(not tha anything is wrong with that). These muthas made me miss BETs Sunday Best!(I saw it later online but that is beside the point) El sombrero is freeloading right now. I don't like that s#!t at all.

I try to be and understanding person because times are hard. Especially at them borders with the porkies on the rampage, you know. It is getting annoying now. I never give to see CSI(pick one) and I missed the season finale of Sunday Best(messed up). Now the gloves are off and I have to devise a plan. I know you are saying, "Call the landlord." That is too upfront. I want her to walk in here with them chillin like they're on vacation. Some of her mail comes here so I plan to make a call for her to pick it up outside my door. Wish me luck. Time for that freeloadin'______! to get ta steppin' fo real.

Til next time people, luv me

P.S. My next post will be about black folks with a color complex. Them slave days are over.

Is it......?

That is the question.

And now the drawing session.

Dear People,

I promised you this story last month but a negro gets a little caught up sometimes. I don't know if I mentioned this but I was laid off in December and still searching for something. A friend of mine is going throught the same thing so she suggests going to a drawing session. Earlier that week, we had gone to the Museum of Natural History to draw dinosaur bones. I don't like drawing bones......

So fast forward to the opening weekend of Watchmen(I'm bad with dates), I agreed to go to this drawing session. To be honest, I didn't want to go. I would have rather gone to eat some real good Mexican food. So I met her and another friend from college in Chinatown for the open drawing. We go upstairs and it is being held by some people from my school. So now I think its all down hill from here and so it was. They had an entrance fee and they took my whole twenty!! I gave that lil' runt at the door a crazy look. It is packed so we find some seats in a far corner and start drawing.

Some of you will understand when I say this. I hate Yt art students that think they are artistic because they do unnecessary sh!t. I'm sure you all know that the "models" were nothing but them and and a asian man that came later. It was so over-the-top, pretentious and nasty that it made no sense. One girl had black lipstick and fingers while her upper was wrapped in packing tape. Oh and one breast was out. Then there was this old hairy man they had covered in red, white and blue paint, taped with new paper and raggedy Barbie plastic-wrapped to his head on top of his shower cap. Yep, you read it right. There was another one with a prosthetic leg, a plastic vagina over his own genitalia with SAW I_V-like face mask. A very beautiful dark haired woman dressed like a 1930's flapper girl posed. Another girl was moving around like she came out the RING. There was another old white man who was somewhat in shape to be so old but he had the biggest nutsack I've seen ever. It was bloated beyond belief.

There was also a fat boy with clothes covered in paint with giraffe(?) mask on. He kept pouring paint all over the old man with the Barbie on his head, later on he attached him to another random hippie with some wire. Then some of them were pouring paint on one another and flicking it around. In my head, I was thinking if some paint gets on me I'll have my $20 back and then some. Meanwhile the entire time, they were playing this awful art-rock/industrial "music." The poses got even more wack as time went on. I suddenly realize that I have a slight stank look on my face. The reason is because there was this strong, musky, sweaty, pissy scent making its rounds throughout the room. It was the man with the Barbie on his head....DAMN...nasty ass. I was disgusted and proceeded not to breathe too deep. However, the night did have a funny note. "Me So Horny" from Too Live Crue came on and the Asian man started to getting aroused. I couldn't get my friends' attention so I had to enjoy this bit of humor on my own. I hope you enjoyed it too.

Soon after, it was time to go and I was ecstatic. I was mad about my $20 but I learned a valuable lesson: Stay away from pretentious art student drawing sessions because they are weak as hell. Another thing I learned is that I still got it. My drawing skills remain honed. Til next time....

Luv , me MADD